Akatsuki Recruitment Drive
by Piratefish
Summary: A collection of shorts about unexpected people joining Akatsuki. Oneshot series, filled with the humorous and desperate situations that would cause proud shinobi to desert their villages. If anyone has requests, ask. Warning, first chap is pretty brutal. Second chapter: Jiraiya and Tsunade. WILD MOOD SWINGS AHEAD!
1. Kakashi

What would it REALLY take

For … to join Akatsuki. Series of oneshots, if you have requests, spill 'em, and I'll do my best. First up, Kakashi. Warning, this is gory.

* * *

><p>Haku hardened his heart, and prepared to kill the blonde. For what it was worth, it would at least be quick, clean. He threw a handful of senbon, with lethal force and accuracy…<p>

… and the Uchiha put himself in the way.

Haku's eyes widened. The Uchiha was vengeful, arrogant, proud. The ice-wielder truly had not thought _he_ would do something like _that_. Apparently he was more human than he made himself seem, and as such, Haku allowed his opponents their final goodbyes. The Uchiha's wounds were not fatal, but he was out of the fight, and once Naruto was dealt with, he would be next.

Suddenly, his ice started steaming. It was focused around the blonde and his unconscious friend. Surely _he_ hadn't awakened a bloodline too?

Then the chakra came. It was evil, enormous, inhuman. Visible. It was red, and covered the boy like a shroud.

"I'll KILL you!" Naruto's voice was feral. He was hunched over, like an animal, and the senbon were _ejecting themselves_. He looked up, and his eyes were the eyes of a demon.

Haku knew fear, for the first time in this fight.

And as his opponent rushed forward, moving far faster than he ever had, Haku aimed for the only place he could.

The eyes.

The red chakra winked out, just as the blonde crashed into him. He carried enough force to bring them both to the ground, and there they lay. One of them was breathing hard. The other…

The other wasn't breathing at all.

Haku forced himself to gaze at his opponents face, at the ruined mess of his left eye. He had proved himself, as Zabuza's tool, his _other_ sword. It was what he lived for, what he was meant to do.

So why did he feel so… hollow…?

He couldn't manage to move, but he _had to_, the Copy-nin was _dangerous_, Zabuza needed _help_…

He shoved the body off him.

Or rather, he tried. Something gripped his arm, something unnaturally warm. Unnaturally strong. A hand, the same hand he _swore_ was getting cold as the death which had claimed it, just a moment ago. Haku looked up.

And he gazed into _those_ eyes again. Or rather, that eye.

The thing that _couldn't_ be Naruto gave a wide smile. His teeth were too sharp. Like a demon. Like a fox.

And as his jaws closed around Haku's slender throat, he could not be stopped.

* * *

><p>Kakashi's eyes widened. Zabuza's would have too, if he weren't scanning the area for any possible escape. And finding none.<p>

"I'll have to make this quick." Firing up a Raikiri, Kakashi tensed, ready to charge. "Any last words?"

"Demon," Zabuza said, and knew he'd hit the mark, with the way his captor stiffened. "Jinchuuriki. I fought Yagura, the Sanbi container. You don't forget their taint. I wasn't aware Konoha even had one."

"No one is."

"It's the blonde one, isn't it?" Zabuza's mind seemed to be making up for lost time. He was about to die, yet his mind was racing like never before. "But which- oh, no. The Kyuubi."

The Copy-nin gave a grim nod.

"Blond hair, blue eyes. A false name too, perhaps? Namikaze Naruto has a certain ring to it."

Kakashi said nothing.

"Your sensei's son then? Harsh. You know, if the seal can't contain the beast, you have to-"

"I know."

And Kakashi rushed forward.

* * *

><p>As he approached his student, Kakashi heard a sharp snap, a groan, and a muffled giggle.<p>

At the edge of the battlefield, there lay a body. Feminine features marred by long, bloody gouges. Her (his?) throat had been torn out. The bite marks were not those of an animal.

"Naruto?"

"**Heh. You know, if you'd asked that ten minutes ago, the answer would have been yes. Now… not so much." **The figure hunched over Sasuke's body gave a large, bloody grin. **"Hello, **_**sensei."**_

"Kyuubi."

There was no answer. The creature resumed its work, snapping chunks off Sasuke's rib cage. It was open to the world, though missing several key pieces. The monster gave a delighted giggle.

"Naruto's not in there. He would have stopped you, if he was. Yet the seal is intact?"

"**He's gone. His mind is **_**gone**_**. That icy boy got in a lucky shot. Lucky for me, I mean. Not so for him, or the Uchiha. Who appears to have died. Damn, who will entertain me now? Perhaps that pink-headed girl? Who knew you could have so much fun with just a **_**single**_** human?"**

"The seal?"

"**It is, it is, the blasted thing. Though now that there is no will keeping it in place, it's corroding fast. I'll be free soon enough."**

"Raikiri."

* * *

><p>The Kyuubi had died with Naruto. And Kakashi sat alongside his dead students and dead enemy, mind lost to the world, eye burning.<p>

"Kakashi-sensei!"

Ah. He still had one student left, who apparently needed something.

"Kak…ashi…sensei…" She stopped some distance away, and let loose her meal. Kakashi could sympathize. It wasn't a pretty sight.

"…Are they…"

"Dead. Yes. The last loyal Uchiha, and my sensei's son. And the Kyuubi, but that was no loss."

"Sasuke…" She sat down, overwhelmed by her grief. There were many cries of Sasuke's name, and a surprising number of "Naruto's" and "Baka's" in there too. Still, her inquisitive mind couldn't let go of a problem.

"You said… your sensei's son? He was the Yondaime! But… Sasuke wasn't…"

"Not him."

"Naruto?" And her tears came again, for a boy, son of a hero, who should have been loved when he was alive.

A reedy, self-important voice was muttering to itself. "Useless bloody demons… Well, at least he won't be paid this way. And the other one is pretty beat up… MEN! The one who takes silver-hair's HEAD to me will be paid TRIPLE!"

"Sakura. Stay away, and let me deal with them."

The thugs appeared perplexed by their prey running right into the middle of them, but they didn't hesitate. Neither did Kakashi, and as he took a katana from a worthless foe, he commenced the slaughter.

* * *

><p>Katana was a piece of crap, broke easily. Zabuza's sword much better, even if it <em>was<em> vibrating. And oddly warm.

* * *

><p>One man left. A trembling, broken coward.<p>

"You are the cause of all this."

The man blubbers apologies, bribes, justifications. He can talk. That is all he can do.

Kakashi is cold, cold. Worse than trash, he is. But this man… There is nothing lower.

"Just die."

He doesn't immediately fall over dead. So Kakashi helps him, and returns to his students.

* * *

><p>"Kakashi-sensei." Sakura's eyes have finally run dry. "Sensei, it's night. We should return."<p>

"That's alright, Sakura. You go on ahead. I'll stay, a little longer." He attempts a reassuring smile. It doesn't work.

"Ok…" She shuffles off. Tazuna's home should again be a place of happiness. Perhaps she'll be cheered up there, though he doubts it. Losing teammates is hard.

Kakashi stays through the night, and wonders how things might have been.

* * *

><p>The dawn has barely broken, and someone is behind him. Someone <em>skilled<em>.

"Kakashi-san. What happened here?" The voice is, very nearly, a monotone. Though there is a slight waver to the careful blankness.

"The Kyuubi almost broke free. I was otherwise occupied, with one Momochi Zabuza. Once he was dead, I arrived and killed it."

Kakashi slowly turns, pushing his headband up. It is better to be safe than sorry.

Two men in black cloaks with red clouds. Like a hellish sky. The shorter one is familiar.

"Uchiha Itachi. Why are you here?" He knows very well. It's his brother who is buried underneath here, after all.

The man is more interested in his eye. "Mangekyou…"

The other one, the tall, blue one, steps forward. He has something odd on his back. "You _killed_ the Kyuubi?"

"Yes. The Shiki Fuuin did most of it, though. It was only necessary to destroy the heart."

"He was your student." Itachi is back.

"Yes."

Silence.

"You killed Zabuza, too?" The blue one is apparently fond of killing.

"Yes."

"Where is his sword?"

"On the bridge."

The blue one disappears, and reappears with the Kubikiri Hocho. He is grinning.

"Aah, thought so. Here." He hands the sword over.

"She is yours, now. You killed her wielder, and spilled blood with her. A lot of it. Take good care of her."

The sword feels _right_ in his hands, insofar as anything can feel _right _any more.

Itachi speaks again. "Come with us."

The blue man thinks for a moment, then nods. "I mean, what is there for you in Konoha?"

"…"

Kakashi follows them.

* * *

><p>A dark, shadowy cave. The air is <em>aching<em> with chakra. Eight men and a woman are present, as he is given a ring.

A tall man with strange eyes and a slashed Taki headband steps forward.

"Follow me, Kakashi. I am to be your partner."

Kakashi only nods.

"If you wish to survive, do not make me angry."

His mind lost in the grey equilibrium of his ANBU days, but worse, FAR worse, for this time there is _not a single hope left, _Kakashi just can't bring himself to care.


	2. Jirayia and Tsunade

**A/N:** This time it's Jiraiya and Tsunade. And it's less horrifying than the previous one.

* * *

><p>Jiraiya smirked to himself. He had FINALLY gotten the ol' snake-boy drunk.<p>

Of course, he himself had consumed far more alcohol, and Tsunade ought to be, by all natural laws, practically _dead_ by now, but still.

Wait, Orochi was sayin' something.

"A real shecret society, you know, wit' hidden lairs and cool uniforms and ev'rything!"

Tsunade was less than impressed. "What, like ANBU?"

"No! Well, yesh… But more shecret! Ev'ryone knowsh about ANBU!"

"What, like Root?"

Orochimaru sagged. "Yesh, like Root."

Jiraiya occupied himself with some more of the excellent sake. Meanwhile, Orochimaru seemed to have regained momentum.

"There'sh even a leader. He'sh got like, orange hair and theshe weird eyesh, and there'sh thish blue-haired girl following him, and they're familiar for shome reashon."

That… that did sound familiar. But weren't those two…?

"And all the membersh are like, really cool, there'sh thish guy who'sh shaysh he'sh as old as the Shodai, but he'sh not old!"

"Orochimaru! Not this stuff again! NO ONE is immortal!"

"Of courshe, he won't talk to me… and he wearsh a mashk…"

"See? He's tricking you!"

Orochimaru went quiet for a moment… and then tried a different tac. There was really only Tsunade left to convince. Jiraiya kind of wanted to find out what had happened to his students. Could they have-?

"And you get a partner!"

"…What?"

"A partner! Minesh Akashuna no Shashori!"

"…Again…"

"Akashuna no Shashori!"

"..."

"Shashori!"

"Yeah, we ain't getting this." Jiraiya, stating fact.

"You're _drunk_, Orochimaru." Tsunade, displaying her medical genius.

Ignoring them, he went on. "Sho, I guessh you guysh would be partnertsh!"

Jiraiya's gaze met Tsunade's briefly, before they both looked away. He suddenly found himself _very_ interested in a wall-fixture. She was staring intently at her drink.

Orochimaru groaned. "Come _on,_ guysh! Get it over with already!"

"What was this organanisation called, Orochi?" Jiraiya tried to change the subject.

The snakelike man gave a slow grin. "Akatshuki. Come shee?"

"Sure, whatever. But first…" Here he looked contemplatively at his saucer of sake. The super pervert shrugged, and downed the nearby, nearly full jug as well. "_Now_ I'm drunk enough for this. You coming?"

The last question was addressed to Tsunade, who nodded.

Jiraiya couldn't remember anything very clearly after that.

* * *

><p>…walking through the eternal rain…<p>

…waiting, in the darkness…

…a pair of startled, ringed, purple eyes…

…kneeling down, presenting a ring to someone, and being enveloped in a warm hug…

_He wasn't **married** now, was he?_

* * *

><p>...and some very, <em>very<em> good sex.

Or shexh, as Orochimaru would say. Jiraiya gave a chuckle, despite his fiercely pounding head.

Something warm, soft, and very definitely _naked_ was on lying top of him. Always a good start to the day!

Cautiously, he opened his eyes a tiny fraction.

And opened them all the way, regardless of the painfully bright light.

_Shitshitshit! Fuck! I'm so dead!_

Well, at least he'd die happy.

Wait. Was that a smile? The tiniest, tiniest hint of one?

Maybe, just maybe, he _wasn't_ dead. Anyway, he'd better retreat, give her time to cool off. He carefully, _carefully_ maneuvered himself free, and left the room, clad in a nifty black cloak. Though not before giving the sleeping Tsunade a good ogle.

He wandered about, through the dank, gloomy cave. Apparently whoever owned this place could care less about such things as "lighting" and "dry feet".

Abruptly, he came upon someone. Someone with spiky, orange hair.

"Yahiko-chan…?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Sorry about Orochimaru's drunken "lishping thing". I imagine that's what you get when you combine copious amounts of alcohol and a ten-foot-long tongue. No wonder he don't drink much.

EDIT: This story got less love than I thought it would...


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